Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey) 2…

A lot of things shape us as people – parents, circumstance, religion, the list goes on. For me, nothing has had a greater impact on my point of view and personal weirdness than Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. Enjoy.

  1. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”
  2. A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
  3. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”
  4. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
  5. If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
  6. If you drop your keys into molten lava just let ’em go ’cause, man, they’re gone.
  7. Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
  8. I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
  9. If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don’t stop and think of what other words have ‘under’ in them, because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness.
  10. When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

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